Feelings
by ISpeakSquirrelSqueak
Summary: It was hard, believe me. I suppose it was –or is- for everyone that went through it. I gather I was hastily going insane, all the while trying to endure the facts. rating may change
1. Feelings

Have you ever felt like the world was against you? Like, all of your actions caused the worst reactions? Like the world has dealt you the worst odds possible? Yes? No? Maybe? I have. I never thought something like this; something so…so _foolish _could actually happen to _me_. In my world, it made no sense.

Some would consider it disgusting, impossible, not right, and outright against all religions. Some may support it. Hell, some may even have DONE it. I'd heard of cases like this before, read it in magazines, seen it on the television…but _never _did I think that it would happen to me. My parents would be disappointed. The girls in school would be sad, but also happy, in a sick sort of way. They wouldn't think to put themselves in my shoes, to see what I see, feel what I feel.

They'd just see the outside.

It hurt a little, to know that I would be shunned for my life because of this. I should be used to it; I haven't befriended many people in my life. I've only had one person, but I couldn't tell even him this. I couldn't go run to the guidance counselor, or a therapist, or something like in that category. I couldn't tell my friends, the maids, family, classmates….dammit, I couldn't even tell my own brother! I had come to this realization a while ago, before I even accepted it.

I'm all alone.

It was scary, in a way. No one to hold you, to reassure you, to tell you that everything would be okay. I couldn't go to sleep and have this obstacle gone in the morning. I couldn't tell someone my problem, have them ask me how I felt about, and feel _okay. _It just doesn't happen that way. Sure, it worked for some people, but not for me. Nothing can save me from this hell, from how much I've broken and shattered inside. Nothing…

Well, actually, I lied. There was one thing. One thing that could sustain me from total desolation. One thing, and one thing only. It wasn't going to happen, I knew. But sometimes, in the dead of night, with everything besides the person beside me breathing silent, I liked to believe. To believe that, somehow, everything would work out. That every little thing in the essence of life was accepted; not shunned, or hated, or looked at like it was askew.

Then, to my disapprobation, the sun would rise, the alarm would ring, and I would be in the real world again. I remember, when this whole thing started, I wished every night that life was like a fairy tale, that every situation had a happy ending.

It didn't, though. Life just sucked like that. I keep telling myself I'll get over it; it will dissipate like some ridiculous stage that every adolescent goes through. That was…six months ago in two weeks. I came around from thinking that it would stop, and began to (slowly) accept the idea.

It was hard, believe me. I suppose it was –or is- for everyone that went through it. I gather I was hastily going insane, all the while trying to endure the facts. I knew my other half knew something was bothering me- he would ask and ask, even plead at some points.

I told him everything was fine, I was okay. When he didn't look like he accredited what I said, I would make up some pitiful excuse. He still didn't look like he fathomed my evasions, but he would keep silent and turn away. He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night.

That was probably what agonized me most. In our room, just the two of us, nothing but the scratch of pencils, or the blast of loud music playing through headphones pervading the air. He used to be a loudmouth, always having something to say or talk about. He liked to smart-mouth things. I barely talked, only when necessary, but I was quite comfortable with it.

His voice is considerably soothing.

But now, he is quiet. It doesn't fit him, I think. I've always known him as the talkative one. The one to always start conversations and fill awkward silences; not that there ever was any between us. We basically shared the same brains, the same thoughts, so we never felt even the slightest uncomfortable. I feel confused sometimes, when I'm staring at him, he would part his lips as if to say something, then close them and shaking his head. Almost like he was holding back on speaking to me.

I remember the first time he did that. How my heart had stuttered and picked up double. How my palms had grown sweaty. Especially how I had started shaking- thinking that he knew. But he still talked to me, still sat next to me, and didn't avoid me. It made me somewhat happy that he didn't know. I don't think I want him to.

If he wanted, he could probably read my journal to find out what's wrong with me- I have written everything in it. I heard a sensei of mine say it was good to write down your feelings. I have a nagging in the back of my head that he would find it, but I've hidden it well, I fathom. Somewhere he would never dare to look.

Every night is a nightmare for me. Every dream is the same. It feels so real and I could probably tell you everything that happens in detail. I won't, though. It's horrifying even to think about it. All I can tell you is that the look on his face is enough to make we wake up in a cold sweat, look over, and then slide next to him in the bed for comfort. Always-no matter the situation- he puts his arm around me and murmurs sweet nothings to sooth me. After that, I fall into blackness that I've grown custom to.

I don't like to think about it, because it makes my heart ache in a way that constructs me to hunch over and gasp out for air. He found me like that once- the look on his face just made it worse. He cared for me, cared for my health, but not as much as I cared for him. Never as much as I did for him.

When I saw that look, I crumbled to the floor and started to sob like I was a little toddler again.

I wonder what he would say, how he would react. I've considered telling him, showing, making him understand by any means necessary. But I chicken out every time. It sucks, really, to know that I'll never be happy, never be satisfied. I already accepted that, too. I feel accomplished. It takes months, years- a lifetime for some people to face the facts. I've accepted it prematurely. It gives me a sense of pride, oddly.

But never will I tell him. I will never find the right words to explain my feelings to him. It hurts to think about it, to write about it. I couldn't bear watching the look of horror dawn on his features while I stuttered my heart out. It would be like committing emotional suicide.

After all, how do you tell your brother that you've fallen in love with him?

*%*

**I wrote this on a whim, oddly, it just came to me. Hope you like, there will be a second chapter. R&R!!**

**Sorry I kind of messed this up -blushes- I'm new with this sort of thing lol **

**enjoy**

**~ ISpeakSquirrelSqueak**


	2. Unrequited

You know how, after a break-up, or when you lose a friend or family member, you feel….empty? Like your stomach is a bottomless pit that sometimes makes you feel like leaning over and hurling? And after that incident…no matter what it was…you work and work to make it feel better, to seem alright? You try and try to let go of the past and keep moving forward?

Well, not me. I have tried-believe me, I have- but it just seems to get worse every time I attempt to push away my feelings.

Heart-break is different, yet the same for everybody. I'm sure most of the people feel the coldness of being alone, the stomach-churning, gut-clenching, sickening wave of emotional pain every time they hear, think, see anything that reminds them of who they lost.

I'm positive I'm not the only one.

But some people get over this. They wake up and say, "Hey so-and-so would not want me to dwell on this!" and go back (slowly) to their daily lives. Sure, it takes some time, but they manage to do it. I can't help but wonder how.

I not only get that wave of pain, but now, dizziness and sometimes vomit accompany it. I make sure I'm not near anyone when it happens. If I am, I make some pitiful excuse and head to the nearest restroom.

When everything is out of my system, I just sit there, on the cold, white tile floor. My breathing slows as I close my eyes, waiting for another flash of agony to ripple through my body like waves.

Sometimes it happens, others it doesn't.

I can see that more and more people are beginning to get worried. First it was mom and dad (after my brother, of course) who seemed to think it odd that I did not attend dinner….lunch…or breakfast. One of the girls in school commented the other day that I looked skinnier, bonier. Not in those exact words, but I know that's how she meant it.

Haruhi was next- she gives me strange glances during class and even stopped me in the hall one day to ask if something was troubling me. I simply shook my head, smiled at her, and told her we would be late for the club if we didn't hurry.

Kyouya and Tamkaki noticed at the same time, or they had discussed it together. I knew they were talking about me when my back was turned- I always got that creepy feeling of eyes burning holes into my back. I don't think they knew I knew, which is why they continued to do it so frequently.

Hunny commented one day that I looked like I wasn't getting any sleep-which I wasn't, but nobody needed to know that. Mori had, quietly, agreed, his dark, intense gaze making the holes in my back even worse. They didn't know I knew, either.

I still had the nightmares. I keep waking up-panting, sweating, a single name on my lips. My sheets and boxers are usually messier than my pillow. Other times, I wake up crying, sobbing tears that leaked non-stop from my eyes onto my pillow. I can never stop the dreams. Well, they could be called night terrors, I guess.

My mother says that one time she found me wandering the halls late at night. When I looked at her my eyes were blank, clouded over, she says. When she asked me what I was doing, she said I only murmured one word.

"Hikaru." Then, right after I said that, I started to wail and scream and throw myself around, against the walls and onto the floor. It was the scariest thing she ever experienced, she tells me.

I don't remember a thing of it.

They've been getting worse lately, along with my heartache and emotional distress. Its not so much as…a…well…inappropriate dream as it is real nightmares. Things that could actually happen, and when they do in your sleep, you never have the power to stop them. No matter how much of a master you are at changing your dreams to you liking, these will never change. They are always the same, or so they seem, and you can never escape them.

Well, unless, of course, you die. But right now, I wasn't thinking of suicide. I think, maybe, I'm too chicken. Or it could be that I don't want to leave _**him **_behind. Death, in my opinion, would be worse than life.

I may not know how to solve my heartbreak, to make it better, but I do know how it was provoked into something more serious than a teenager in pain. It started about three days ago, one night in my bedroom.

* * *

.

I had just started my English homework, having forgotten to do it and decided to start at the last minute. Supper had been over an hour ago, but I didn't attend. One of the maids had brought me up some miso soup, probably thinking I was ill.

The truth was, I hadn't been ready. I had just doubled over from a sharp twist in my stomach upon thinking of _**him, **_and it took a good fifteen minutes or so to recover. That one, I think, had to be the worst so far. I guess the jealousy that passed over me when thinking of how much time he spent with Haruhi did not help my condition. The envy and heartbreak combined was enough to knock me out of my senses for a while. I stayed curled up in the corner of my room- lights off, shades pulled shut- rocking back and forth and whispering nonsense to ignore the knawing in my stomach.

When I was positive that my fit was over with, I stood, tuned on my light, unlocked my door, and went to work like nothing had happened.

Hikaru had gone to take a shower, as usual asking me to join- I didn't. Some interesting things would unfold if I did. So I had shaken my head, murmuring that I was too busy, that I'd take one in the morning. He gave me one of those looks- the ones where he knows something is wrong with me, and he was hurt that I wasn't telling him.

Oh well.

I heard the water shut off, and braced myself, expecting what I knew was coming. Hikaru told me he had something to say to me, after he cleaned up. It's important, he says, it can't wait any longer.

I knew there shouldn't have been a pang of hope in my heart. There wasn't supposed to be that lifting feeling in my chest that made me feel giddy all over, or a tingly numb sensation in my fingertips. I had to force myself to stop from smiling and shaking nervously.

"Kaoru." I jumped not expecting the warm breath next to my ear. Involuntarily I shivered, eyes wide as I swung my chair to face my brother. It was hard to keep my eyes off his chest, or the towel hanging low off of his hips. Instead, I focused on eyes similar to my own, but held more mischief. He was smirking.

"You scared me." I said, and he nodded. He had intended it. He sat on the edge of my bed, facing me. After a moment of silence and an intense staring contest, he coughed and looked away.

"Uh.."

"You had something to tell me." I prompted, shifting so my left foot was under me, hands folded on my lap. He scratched the back of his neck, laughing a little.

"Yeah, hehe…right…well…" he stopped randomly, eyeing me closely. "Promise not to laugh, or be mad?" Was he seriously asking that? How could I ever get mad at him? And make fun of him? Not possible for me. He seemed to want an answer though, so I nodded once.

"I won't. Go on." His hands were clenching and unclenching on his lap now. His smirk was gone, replaced by a frown.

"Okay…well…this week I kind of…realized something." He paused, shook his head, and continued. "It was weird- its never happened to me before, you know?" I wanted to tell him I knew, but I didn't want to interrupt him. "I asked mom about it, but when I tried to explain she didn't understand.

"I asked dad, too. He didn't know what I was getting at either." His frown deepened. "I mean, how am I going to explain it? If mom and dad didn't get it…how will anyone else? I bet you'll be the only person who understands. You are my twin after all." And he smiled that adorable smile of his.

"I am." I agreed. "And I probably will."

"Right. So it went like this- it's like this…feeling. An odd feeling, in the bottom of my stomach. It doesn't hurt or anything, but it doesn't feel right. As I said, odd. It starts about here-" he pointed to his lower abdomen, "- and ends about here." He pointed to his chest, above his heart. Unwillingly, my chest fluttered.

"I know that feeling." I murmured, taking my now numb leg out from under me. Hikaru seemed excited by that.

"Yeah! Finally! But its not just that. Sometimes my heart-it pangs." when I tilted my head, he made strange hand signs. "You know! It hurts a little- like you're being suffocated? But you don't die or anything-obviously- you're just stuck with this panging in your chest."

Okay, I knew that feeling. It happens all the time. In fact, it's happening right now. Albeit dully, but it's still there. The reason for that panging? Sitting right in front of me.

"Okay."

"So anyways, along with that, there's the fluttering."

"Fluttering?" I asked, even though I knew what he meant.

"Mmhm. Fluttering. Its all right here-" he points to his belly, staring off into space. "It is hard to explain… I guess it's like…you're happy. Really really happy. And you get this floaty feeling and you feel like nothing can go wrong. You know?" slowly, I nodded. Just what was this conversation about?

"What," I began, eyes on my carpet, "are you trying to tell me?"

Hikaru seemed startled, eyes wide and leaning back a bit. He kept eye contact with me, before blushing and looking down.

"You can tell me." I said, aggrieved. Weren't we supposed to tell each other everything? That's how it always was. It's how it always should be.

"I know, I know. It's just…I don't want something bad to happen, because of it." I tilted my head again. Nothing bad could happen. " I don't want us to drift apart." That wouldn't happen either. Nothing in this world could ever tear me apart from him.

"Tell me." Nothing.

"I'm in love with Haruhi."

Except for that.

* * *

**Okay, so this is the second installment to "Feelings." This chapter took longer than I expected, and it is short, but I got it out ^^. Also, I was busy writing a sasunaru oneshot while I was suffering writer's block. -grumbles- anyways, I've decided to make this either a three or four shot.**

**Tell me what you think. Criticism is welcome!!**

**~ISpeakSquirrelSqueak**

**Aka- malia**


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